Advice time please.
My dearest son, Mark, is now 12.5 years old. It appears he is in the midst of puberty.
Check out the photos.... this one was from one year ago - probably to the day - he is a boy, young fresh and innocent!
This one is from a couple of weeks ago, the face shape has changed, he is bigger, his feet have become flippers! You know what I mean.
My problem is constantly asking for stuff and saying no to everything. Yes I'm aware this is quite normal, but how does one deal with it.
EVERY single day, he says "I don't want a shower", and it truly is every single day. Mark is a sweater, he has the beginnings of acne. I want him to take pride in himself, being clean, nice smelling and caring for his skin. In the bathroom, we have lots of different cleansers for pimple prone skin.. he is still fighting using it. I've explained that he's not doing it for me, but for his own self esteem. He is a very good looking boy, he doesn't need acne, if it comes despite us trying well that is one thing, but not trying at all is failure. His hair is always greasy and his skin is sticky from sweat. It doesn't seem to bother him, but we're a modern family and have access to clean water and it is cultural to have daily showers. Why does he fight this. At 6.45am this morning he came into my room and whispered in my ear, not fully checking if I was awake... "Oh mum, I don't want a shower this morning ok?"
So we have a fight at 6.45am.. yes that's a nice way to start ones day.
Other issue is money and shopping.
He has no concept of money and its worth. We haven't done pocket money, not really sure why, but it hasn't' worked for us. I must admit, I spoiled him as a younger kid, when we went shopping, I'd get him a Matchbox car, they were only $3 and it was a nice thing to do. Now his tastes have changed. Its Nerf guns he wants. "This one is only $20 mum, its really cheap", "This one is only $50 and its really rare" and of course I say no. Then he stomps off, then he gets in my face and asks over and over and over and over again. So I have to say no over and over etc... well you get the picture. So then it changes to oh seems I can't have a Nerf gun, can I have a coke, a chocolate bar, a movie, a new pair of shoes, a hat, a ball, a donut, a book (oooh mum you want me to read) and it continues until I get so cross I nearly cry. So instead of saying "no" once, I have said it 15 times and he's almost crying and so am I.
We often discuss that its not fair to ask for things all the time, that we have a limited income and will soon have three kids. He understands that and then the comment "If I be good for this trip and don't ask for anything, can I have a clear **insert whatever blasted thing he wants**"
HOW DO I RESPOND TO THIS?
I'm 23 weeks pregnant, someone who can't cope in heat, and its hot, I have a small baby, I don't sleep very well, I get worn out. He wears me down, sometimes I give in, probably too often which is why he keeps it up. But my last comment makes the most sense. If I spend $20 on something for Mark each time we go out (which he seems to expect, and no I don't indulge him that often) when Ryan and the new baby are bigger that is $60... we can't afford that, no one can. Its totally wrong to indulge that much anyway, I'm aware of that.
My mother has suggested that we start giving him an allowance and all his indulgences he has to pay for himself. That makes sense, what is a good figure for allowance? We plan to give him a prepaid phone for Christmas, one for him to text his friends and call me, so that will be about $30 every two months... that is my expectation. I can see that being a huge battle when the credit runs out.
We also have issues with extreme screen time, he will be on the computer from the minute he walks in the door until he goes to bed given the choice. That is 6 hours!!! I have to drag him away to do his chores which are a really basic feed the dogs and empty the dishwasher daily. Mow the lawn and generally help out when asked. But its such a chore.
Ok I'm going to stop now, I really need help, Mark is living with us for at least the next 5 years, we have to live in a way that doesn't require me to yell... cos that doesn't work either.
7 comments:
LOL, I am just laughing at me commenting and offering advice to another mother, when I am the mother of a child that has been suspended in yr 3! So, I'll put on my professional hat, not my bad mother hat, and send you a message on facebook. Thanks for making me feel normal Christy. Jo
Wow!! Welcome to the world of pre teens!I dont think any of us will have the magic answer. Kids just need to know that they cant have everything they want. Im constantly saying no even now to my 16 year old. They dont understand the value of money, that will come when they are earning their own when they get a job. We were all the same. The toughest thing is reasoning with a child as their brain isnt developed enough yet to understand reasoning to a point. Standing your ground and letting him know his boundaries and that you are still "boss". I think its just a case of being consistent.
He is going to push and push just like when they were little at the supermarket. If you give in once he will expect it again and again. Maybe getting him to help out with chores and if he wants something that could be a reward.
I had no luck with pocket money and decided it was best not to do it but its up to you what you do there. I found they spent it and wanted more to go out with their friends. I set aside a small amount each week and if they need it i will give it to them and only what i think they need. Then they have some left for something else if they want it.
The phone thing...My daughter has a habit of using her credit very quickly. If she uses it all she doesnt get a top up till the time is up to get one. Its too bad to her. Im still at least able to contact her if needed.If its an emergency, she knows 000. I tell her, we lived fine without them. She needs to understand she cant just waste it. Now Im just pushing her to get a job but youre not at that stage yet.
Good Luck xoxoxo
The washing side of things...I had that problem too...They grow out of it when they realise girls are around and they want to look good. And smell nice. My son was a shocker! he stunk and he didnt care. Sticky, sweaty, smelly. I told him if he doesnt wash the kids may end up teasing him. That didnt work. Starting high school may change him. He will certainly grow out of it. In the man time...you may have to put up with his smell..
Hey Christy
I don't think any of us have 'the answers'. What works for us may not work for you.
So here are some things that work in our family.
Pocket Money: We don't do pocket money. There are set jobs that must be completed and they don't get paid for that. They get completed because they are part of the family and the family work together to make sure the house and animals are looked after. Big jobs like sweeping the patio, doing a major clean of their playroom, helping in the garden etc earn money - usually $2 ish. We did try a system where each job they had to do, earned x amount. At the end of the week they were paid the total they earned. If I had to do the job for them, they had to may me. It works as long as we all kept track of the jobs.
Asking for things: When my dad was alive, he would take my girls shopping, they would ask for something and he would buy it. 'It was only $2". Apart from the fact that it was $2 rubbish, he set them up to expect something every time we went shopping. I worked hard to stop that thought process. They still ask, not often but occasionally. Not I tell them to save up for it themselves or add it to their Birthday/Christmas wish list.
Cleanliness: I have girls who like to stay clean, so I'm not much help. As far as deodorant, hair washing etc go, it's not just about self pride but respect for those around you. It is extremely unpleasant to sit next to someone who stinks!! Maybe explain that kids at school won't sit next to him is he stinks? I remember being in high school and having a friend who was teased for not wearing deodorant. She was a bit pongy!
The Value of Money: I'm not the worlds best saver so I'm not much help here. I can tell you though that we have many conversations about money, respecting property and understanding value. the fact is that both you and Jamie work your butts off to earn enough money to do what you need to do. That is something you do because you have to. If Mark wants more, that money has to come from somewhere. More money = more time at work = less family time.
TV/PC Time: No TV during the week until everything else is done. Homework, chores etc. No DS during the week especially before bed. No electronic things in the bedroom. They have Friday night and the weekend for that. And the holidays!
As I said Christy, this works for us and fits in with our family. I won't necessarily be whats right or what should be done in your family.
The only other thing I have to add is that we try really hard (not always successfully) to help the kids understand that everything has a consequence. If they do x then a, b or c could happen. Are they okay with that? If they want x, a, b or c must happen. Do they still want x?
Good luck!!
Hey Christy
I don't think any of us have 'the answers'. What works for us may not work for you.
So here are some things that work in our family.
Pocket Money: We don't do pocket money. There are set jobs that must be completed and they don't get paid for that. They get completed because they are part of the family and the family work together to make sure the house and animals are looked after. Big jobs like sweeping the patio, doing a major clean of their playroom, helping in the garden etc earn money - usually $2 ish. We did try a system where each job they had to do, earned x amount. At the end of the week they were paid the total they earned. If I had to do the job for them, they had to may me. It works as long as we all kept track of the jobs.
Asking for things: When my dad was alive, he would take my girls shopping, they would ask for something and he would buy it. 'It was only $2". Apart from the fact that it was $2 rubbish, he set them up to expect something every time we went shopping. I worked hard to stop that thought process. They still ask, not often but occasionally. Not I tell them to save up for it themselves or add it to their Birthday/Christmas wish list.
Cleanliness: I have girls who like to stay clean, so I'm not much help. As far as deodorant, hair washing etc go, it's not just about self pride but respect for those around you. It is extremely unpleasant to sit next to someone who stinks!! Maybe explain that kids at school won't sit next to him is he stinks? I remember being in high school and having a friend who was teased for not wearing deodorant. She was a bit pongy!
The Value of Money: I'm not the worlds best saver so I'm not much help here. I can tell you though that we have many conversations about money, respecting property and understanding value. the fact is that both you and Jamie work your butts off to earn enough money to do what you need to do. That is something you do because you have to. If Mark wants more, that money has to come from somewhere. More money = more time at work = less family time.
TV/PC Time: No TV during the week until everything else is done. Homework, chores etc. No DS during the week especially before bed. No electronic things in the bedroom. They have Friday night and the weekend for that. And the holidays!
As I said Christy, this works for us and fits in with our family. I won't necessarily be whats right or what should be done in your family.
The only other thing I have to add is that we try really hard (not always successfully) to help the kids understand that everything has a consequence. If they do x then a, b or c could happen. Are they okay with that? If they want x, a, b or c must happen. Do they still want x?
Good luck!!
Hey Christy
I don't think any of us have 'the answers'. What works for us may not work for you.
So here are some things that work in our family.
Pocket Money: We don't do pocket money. There are set jobs that must be completed and they don't get paid for that. They get completed because they are part of the family and the family work together to make sure the house and animals are looked after. Big jobs like sweeping the patio, doing a major clean of their playroom, helping in the garden etc earn money - usually $2 ish. We did try a system where each job they had to do, earned x amount. At the end of the week they were paid the total they earned. If I had to do the job for them, they had to may me. It works as long as we all kept track of the jobs.
Asking for things: When my dad was alive, he would take my girls shopping, they would ask for something and he would buy it. 'It was only $2". Apart from the fact that it was $2 rubbish, he set them up to expect something every time we went shopping. I worked hard to stop that thought process. They still ask, not often but occasionally. Not I tell them to save up for it themselves or add it to their Birthday/Christmas wish list.
Cleanliness: I have girls who like to stay clean, so I'm not much help. As far as deodorant, hair washing etc go, it's not just about self pride but respect for those around you. It is extremely unpleasant to sit next to someone who stinks!! Maybe explain that kids at school won't sit next to him is he stinks? I remember being in high school and having a friend who was teased for not wearing deodorant. She was a bit pongy!
The Value of Money: I'm not the worlds best saver so I'm not much help here. I can tell you though that we have many conversations about money, respecting property and understanding value. the fact is that both you and Jamie work your butts off to earn enough money to do what you need to do. That is something you do because you have to. If Mark wants more, that money has to come from somewhere. More money = more time at work = less family time.
TV/PC Time: No TV during the week until everything else is done. Homework, chores etc. No DS during the week especially before bed. No electronic things in the bedroom. They have Friday night and the weekend for that. And the holidays!
As I said Christy, this works for us and fits in with our family. I won't necessarily be whats right or what should be done in your family.
The only other thing I have to add is that we try really hard (not always successfully) to help the kids understand that everything has a consequence. If they do x then a, b or c could happen. Are they okay with that? If they want x, a, b or c must happen. Do they still want x?
Good luck!!
Hey Christy
I don't think any of us have 'the answers'. What works for us may not work for you.
So here are some things that work in our family.
Pocket Money: We don't do pocket money. There are set jobs that must be completed and they don't get paid for that. They get completed because they are part of the family and the family work together to make sure the house and animals are looked after. Big jobs like sweeping the patio, doing a major clean of their playroom, helping in the garden etc earn money - usually $2 ish. We did try a system where each job they had to do, earned x amount. At the end of the week they were paid the total they earned. If I had to do the job for them, they had to may me. It works as long as we all kept track of the jobs.
Asking for things: When my dad was alive, he would take my girls shopping, they would ask for something and he would buy it. 'It was only $2". Apart from the fact that it was $2 rubbish, he set them up to expect something every time we went shopping. I worked hard to stop that thought process. They still ask, not often but occasionally. Not I tell them to save up for it themselves or add it to their Birthday/Christmas wish list.
Cleanliness: I have girls who like to stay clean, so I'm not much help. As far as deodorant, hair washing etc go, it's not just about self pride but respect for those around you. It is extremely unpleasant to sit next to someone who stinks!! Maybe explain that kids at school won't sit next to him is he stinks? I remember being in high school and having a friend who was teased for not wearing deodorant. She was a bit pongy!
The Value of Money: I'm not the worlds best saver so I'm not much help here. I can tell you though that we have many conversations about money, respecting property and understanding value. the fact is that both you and Jamie work your butts off to earn enough money to do what you need to do. That is something you do because you have to. If Mark wants more, that money has to come from somewhere. More money = more time at work = less family time.
TV/PC Time: No TV during the week until everything else is done. Homework, chores etc. No DS during the week especially before bed. No electronic things in the bedroom. They have Friday night and the weekend for that. And the holidays!
As I said Christy, this works for us and fits in with our family. I won't necessarily be whats right or what should be done in your family.
The only other thing I have to add is that we try really hard (not always successfully) to help the kids understand that everything has a consequence. If they do x then a, b or c could happen. Are they okay with that? If they want x, a, b or c must happen. Do they still want x?
Good luck!!
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