Some tough times.

I have NOT enjoyed the past 5 weeks.  Not one bit.

Jamie moved away for work.  So essentially I've been a single parent and I hate it.  I hate the lack of company in the evening, I hate not being able to share the load.

Mark started high school and we had some major anxiety to deal with.  Over the past three days, he's been suffering from a spasm-y stomach, the doc thinks it might be "migraine stomach aches".

Ryan has become super clingy, we attempted to put him in the "big boy bed" but after two weeks of hell, I convinced myself that it was ok to put him back in the cot, so I rearranged the boys room for the 5th or 6th time and his sleeping pattern normalised.  Daycare has been a nightmare for Ryan, he doesn't enjoy* being dropped off, he screams and carries on, clings to me like a koala and pretty much needs to be pried away by the staff who always reassure me that the day improves.  Currently Ryan is sick, he has a double ear infection and congested lungs.  He is on penicillin and ventolin (via a spacer & mask)

Ben is still brilliant.  He cut more teeth without a fuss, currently has 4 top teeth and two bottom teeth.  He commando crawls very quickly and is very inquisitive and quite independent.  He's not a great fan of cuddles but will give a kiss if you "pucker" at him.  He is very smiley and loves the remote controls, 5c pieces and food!  Ben also has a bronchospasm and is on ventolin via a spacer & mask.

I didn't cope with agency work.  Being called at 5am to cancel a shift or be given one is just not my cup of tea.  Dropping the boys off at 6am and dashing to my work with Mr Clingy was more than I could stand.  Thankfully I am starting my "real job" on Tuesday at St Vincent's Private Hospital, I'm stupidly excited about it.  I just have a great feeling that its going to be good.  That our work situation will work out.  Jamie will find a contract job at the airport down here that starts at 7 or 8am, so he can do the daycare drop off... men handle it so much better.... or is that Jamie will handle it better than me.

* this is a super understatement.

First Day of Year 8

My biggest boy started school this morning, and as usual, nerves took hold.

It really looks like a nice school.  Very big, about 1400 kids from year 7 -12.  His old school had around 800 but only 7-10.

The uniform is nice, grey shorts/pants, a white shirt, white socks and black shoes.  Sport uniform is green shorts and a green shirt, which to me begs the question, why the heck are there two uniforms, make the whole lot the sport uniform and be done with it.

Changes from Waratah to Gladdy Park are:

• Lockers
• Your own personal copy of the text books
• Diary
• 6 classes a day, not 5

Gladstone Park appears to be the school Waratah wants to be.  There is a full gym (along with exercise equipment), 300 seat theatre, hockey, basketball, AFL, soccer, cricket, and handball areas.  Lovely grounds.

We did a dummy run yesterday - took us 40 minutes to walk there, Mark later in the day rode there in 10 mintues!

Today I drove him, tomorrow (depending on how today went) will be on the bike.

I hope he will allow me to take a photo when he gets home.  Fingers crossed.

Getting it off my chest.

Currently not coping with my lot.  I don't want to sound ungrateful, I'm terribly grateful.  I have a man who I love.  3 healthy children. A good job. Money. Family.  So please don't think I don't appreciate all that, but some days you just need a good moan.  So for this post, I don't plan to punctuate every sentence with "but I really love him" as that is a given.  This is straight up saying how I feel.

I'm not happy.

I'm not coping with my Ryan, he is 22 months old and at the moment it feels like he is never happy, he is sooky, selfish, grumpy, annoying and a poor eater.

Today he woke up at 5.30am, I gave him his milk in a cup and then put him back to bed.  He talked to himself until we got up at about 7am.  That is pretty good.  He isn't unhappy in his bed.  His breakfast this morning was poor, wouldn't eat half of his (one) Weetbix, sultanas and a drink.    Anything not eaten is thrown on the floor.  He is refusing to go into his highchair, back arching and screaming when I attempt it.  As for going out, don't get me started.  I'm hating leaving the house with him, he has become "that child" the one that screams.  He doesn't want to be in the pram any more (and I don't blame him, he's nearly 2), but I'm not entirely ready for him to walk.  When he walks, he runs away.  If I can get him in the pram, it feels like child abuse, pushing him in the chair.  Awful.  So how am I dealing with this.. by not going out without Mark or Jamie, or waiting until Jamie comes home and leaving the boys at home.  Hence they are not being socialised and not learning the proper social skills for out of the house.

I'm very stressed about his lack of language skills.  But am not willing to do anything about it until after our move.  Maybe I will.  Oh dear.  I'll call a speech path today and see what kind of cost/wait it is.

I'm stressed about Mark.  He is addicted to the xbox and I can't seem to stop him playing it.  That feels like a cop out as he's only 13 but its the truth.  Yesterday at the end of the day he calculated that he played for at least 7 hours.  That's not good.  I can't get him to do homework without threats and I don't like that.  This afternoon he needs new shoes, so we'll go shopping and then he can do some homework.

Ben is a dream except he has nappy rash which is making me feel like a bad mother.

Jamie is working so hard and I'm just riding him harder.  He have to have everything finished in about 6 weeks now, but I thought about it yesterday, he knew all year that we were moving, he's known for 3 years that we were renovating our kitchen.  I don't need to feel guilty about him doing 15-18hr days at the moment as it should have already been done!  Harsh but fair.  Plus when we get to Melbourne, he most likely will not be working, so can have a break then.

Are you **bleeping** serious???

I wanted to write the heading using the "real" word, but my parents and parents-in-law sometimes read this blog, so I must pretend I'm ladylike.

I know that I'm very lucky to be receiving any money for being on maternity leave. Millions do not get any money at all, women throughout history were not paid to have babies. But I live in a society that does, I am lucky enough to get paid maternity leave both from my employer and the government, so I'm allowed to complain about my "FIRST WORLD PROBLEM"

I get 13 weeks of paid maternity leave at full time rates from my employer, I've chosen to take this as 26 weeks at half pay, I've been on that for two months now.

My paid parental leave from the government came into my bank account today. If you actually go to the website, it says:

The Paid Parental Leave scheme:

• is government funded
• is for eligible working parents
• can be transferred to the other parent
• is paid at the National Minimum Wage - currently $570 a week before tax*
• is for up to 18 weeks, and
• can be taken any time within the first year after birth or adoption.

Do you see the dollar amount, $520 (yes it does say before tax).

So what the freaking hell is my tax bracket. I got $302 into my bank account. Which says to me, they have withheld $218 in tax... that is bloody lot of tax if you ask me.

BUT

She then calls Centrelink to check. Its my quarterly Childcare Rebate. So its all good. They haven't finalised the Paid Parental Leave stuff yet.




I'm such an idiot.











Especially as I've burned three cupcakes due to writing this rant.

Boring, tearful but in the end a good day.

Up early with the little boys. I think they are setting each other off. If Ben cries, Ryan wakes up too. Its challenging, especially as Ryan is a "bad waker-upper" at the moment and wants to cuddle, but if you also have a starving 3 week old that only I can feed... well challenging is the word I'm using.

Ben is a great sleeper, if he's not sleeping, he's having his milk. He squarks a bit, but not too much. He had a bath tonight, in the big bath with Ryan. Ryan babbles away at him and wants to pat him. I think that will be my regular way to bath little Ben, save on water a bit and set up habits for the future. They can have their bath together. Anyway Ben loves the bath, only hated his first one, and that was probably because I was SO stressed.

Jamie went to the Central Coast to play golf this morning, got home just after 1pm and has pretty much slept all afternoon. Not sure what his issue is.

I spoke with mum this morning and bawled my eyes out. I know I'm doing well, that isn't what the problem is. I'm being awfully short with Mark - he deserves it on some level - but not all the time. He still loves me, that is certain. I'm a bit "over" the push push push push and then "sorry mum" of his behaviour. He's bored shitless needs a friend nearby to play/run/wrestle with. He went off with Daniel today, but that was for less than half an hour, not enough to burn off any energy.

Tomorrow is back to the Central Coast to go the Australian Reptile park. Really looking forward to that. I hope that Mark doesn't make too bad a face when I feed Ben. I've tried to be very sensitive to him and not do it in public. I personally do not care at all.

EPDS

Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale

Hmmm.... I just scored myself at 15, beyondblue suggest if you score greater than 10 you should consult your health care practitioner.

So should I???

I don't feel I'm going to harm anyone, I just feel overwhelmed. I have Mark at home and as a teenager he is challenging (seriously doesn't listen to me), I'm stressed about the state of the house, I don't feel I'm getting adequate support. Not sure who to call, or what I'm supposed to do. I'm trying to do the right thing by Ryan but his lack of eating is starting to worry me. I feel I'm doing the right thing by Ben...

I know I'm not happy, I'm tired, I cry a lot, I eat too much sugar. Now I'm particularly worried.

I wish Mum was here.

Today (this afternoon) is the start of the Easter long weekend which this year incorporates ANZAC Day as well, so its 5 days with Jamie home... might let him know about this.

Almost 13 years, 16.5 months and 13 days

Yep, that's my boys. Can't believe how quickly the past 13 days have gone. How much has changed in that time. To be honest, I think Ryan is having the hardest time adjusting. Why does my mummy not pick me up? Who is that little creature?
The hardest part is if I'm changing Ben on the change table and Ryan comes up behind me and is desperate to be picked up, its just awful, makes me feel so bad. He has stood on his nappy bag and climbed up the back of my legs.

Ryan is also waking up from his afternoon nap in an hysterical mood. He screams for about 15 minutes and is unable to be calmed. Just awful. Yesterday was football practice, so I was home with the little ones. Thankfully Ben was asleep, so when the hysterical Ryan woke up and screamed I could help him. I'm not sure why, maybe he's teething, but I think its sort of a new habit, hopefully a short one. I don't like it one bit. I can't help him, he climbs and stomps and pinches and is inconsolable.

Ben is just delightful. All he's doing is sleeping, eating and pooing. I feel he's starting to focus a little bit. He is not awake for really any length of time, so interaction is at a minimum. Next wake up, I might play with him first, rather than feed him or else he just falls asleep again.

Mark is being his usual self. Demanding. He tidied his room beautifully when mum was here, now its covered in Lego again. He is desperate for a new set of Lego, and I don't want to get it for him. I don't see why he should get a new Lego. All he's done in the house is just his normal chores, yes he's doing it without whining, but nothting extraordinary. He's in my face every hour saying "can we go shopping". But then last night, he was so rude in the way he spoke to me. I just reminded him that he needed a shower and he growled "I KNOW" it was so aggressive and mean the way he spoke. That boy makes me feel so used and stupid. That is not the way a 13 year old should be towards his mother - or is it?

Had some other issues, but if you want to know, call me! Some things are just not right to be put on the internet for eternity.

Feeling a little down, still quite sore and achy (I have a cold as well) and starting on Monday, have no adult help. Nothing went the way I wanted it to... oh well.. seems like my lot in life, don't have enough say.

Just a bit scared.

Please allow me to get all serious for a moment.
I know it is possible. But how can you love all your children the same?

Mark was the centre of my universe for 11 years... solely him. I adore him (he shits me, but I adore him), I love that we can talk, share stuff, be silly together, and I totally understand him.

Ryan is the most amazing baby that anyone could wish for. He is so placid, interested, cheeky, easy going and totally gorgeous. I can't believe how much I love him. I love that he's the "spitting image" of his father (a more good looking version - sorry Jamie). He's turning into a little nerd, he obsessed with the telephone, remote controls, and any button he's not allowed to touch - as I rescue the computer from being turned off (again). I love how he plays with his mobile (the ones babies lie underneath when they are small) but now looks at the back and moves the switches.

So how do I fit another little boy into my heart? I know that I will... but it seem so impossible, don't you think? Everything I have ever read said that your heart expands to the number of children you have.