Daily December - 5th

Today was a dark day for our family.  Quite a lot of hurt and anger, not a day to take pictures. 

Stressed out

That is me!  Completely stressed out.  

I'm finding my work overwhelming.  I've been there too much recently.  I need a break.  I need a bit of a backbone too.  That will be enough about that.

I'm very worried about my memory.  What if I'm getting early onset dementia.  People know I "don't remember things"  But its getting really bad.  Mark rang me a few weeks ago whilst I was at the supermarket, he needed a medium sized extension cord.  The electrical section was two aisles away and I forgot it.  I didn't realise what I'd forgotten until Mark asked for it.  Didn't realise when I got to the car, completely gone.

Jamie and I are taking the auto mechanic to VCAT (consumer court) over an issue we have had.  I'm stressing about that, Jamie told me not to worry about it, its not that difficult.  Why the hell would he know??  I spoke to my mum she said she's been to VCAT twice, once with my sister (over tenants) and once for TOWN Club.  She said its not stressful, I believed her.  Then Jamie piped up, "I've been to VCAT too"  WHEN???  "You know, with Dave" ummmmm.......  oh yes that was only 5 years ago.  Where has this memory gone? 

I remember so little of Mark's childhood.  Dates I'm rubbish with.  I don't know if certain things have happened with him.  I just don't know.

The names of the kids is beyond a joke.  I get it wrong constantly.

I can't recall the names of things.  I ask Mark to put his clothes in the dishwasher and put it on.  He looks at me with a sad look on his face.

I have my birthday party in a little over two weeks time, I've thought about it. but organised NOTHING.  It frightens me to do it.

I'm getting curtains for my birthday (yes that's a good present) but its so stressful to pick them.  What if they are not right?  It frightens me to do it.

I've joined the gym and I'm frightened to go.

I need to lose weight but I'm lacking all form of willpower.

I'm cutting myself off from life.  I love my friend Connie but now I don't see her.  I miss her.

I haven't seen my sister in weeks, I miss her.

I haven't seen my sister-in-law in almost two weeks and I miss her.

I think a new mental health care plan is in order.  When the fuck do I have time to see a counsellor?  Oh well, sort out everyone else's lives and mine can circle around the drain. The pressure of everything is getting to me.

RUOK?  Not really, but thanks for asking.

Cracking up

Well its the story of my life.  Feeling totally overwhelmed and like I'm going out of my mind.  Its my normal.

Both boys have "Hand Foot and Mouth Disease" its the Coxsackie Virus, a self limiting illness causing blisters on (surprise) the hands feet and mouth.  The ones in the mouth make it painful for little people to eat.  It apparently makes them VERY cranky with their mother.  My mum and dad looked after Ben for two days (he got it first) and supposedly he was wonderful.  Polite, playful, nice to be around.  For me... he's sooky, whiny, aggressive and very unpleasant to be around.

The other week when I was sick in hospital, they were delightful creatures for Connie and the grandparents.. but as soon as I arrived, tears, misbehaviour etc.  That's just Ben and to be honest Ryan isn't much better.

They see the cracks and then they push.  They fight like crazy, snatching stuff off each other, punching, kicking and today biting.

I'm going to a counseling session (I mean Maternal Health Nurse) session on Tuesday for Ben.  Behaviour and stopping those I wish to stop are at the top of the list of things to discuss.  A month ago I thought my problem was the dummy - now that's gone. Well I just don't cope with 2 year olds.

He doesn't have a calm down button.  Ryan loves the tv/tablet/phone.  Ben isn't technology based, he's not a sweet tooth, not a huge fan of drinks (although this week he's loving his milk)

I had a melt down (read cry) when I was doing the dishes and I'm very sad to say that there was no one there to tell me I was doing a good job.  I was very short with them today, one particular "naughty spot" was horrible and took almost half an hour and I was pretty close to losing my cool.

Anyway must hang in there, they are sick and need some leniency.

I am doing a good job!  There are three of them and only one of me.

I miss holidays

It's autumn (Winter is Coming) and life has just slotted back into the mouse wheel that is ...

food

driving

laundry

Tomorrow -  a little bit of luxury, I'm getting my hair and nails done.

Then I want to get busy with my restyling. Sander and the coffee table.

I've sorted out 200 of the 350 photos that I need for my photo wall, need to "find" the ones pre our move to Melbourne.  I don't just want it to be of the last 6 months of our lives, but if it needs to be... it needs to be.

Balance.

Indulge me a bit will you?

I feel so unbalanced at the moment. 

I'm super busy at home, always seem to rushed and unable to control everything.  Then there is work.  SO slow and so boring. 

Home is noisy and chaotic.  Work is silent.

Home is messy.  Work is neat.

Ok that is enough of that.  

Maybe its just post holiday blues, so far no plans for the next one.  I need to plan another holiday, I want to plan my renovations but I can't see how the renovations will happen.  Jamie is not home enough.



So excited to do my photo wall, found a good way to do it here.  So much better than the other tutorials I had seen.  Need to invest in a hot glue gun.  I'm unbelievably excited to do this photo wall.  I really really hope we can get our floors polished in the next month, then we can decorate the lounge room. 

Lounge room is currently very ugly.  Enormous dark brown curtains that are faded at the edges, the ugliest "sheers" you have ever seen.  A revolting tv stand and furniture that is just placed very very wrong.  We ripped the carpet up what feels like 6 months ago and we have had bare, unfinished floor boards since then.  The old computer room will be our new dining room and its currently called "the playroom".

Plans for the lounge... nice ungathered sheer curtains, a new set of curtains - they don't need to be block out as the window faces the driveway and a fence.  There is a small 50cm window that faces the front.  I think I want a pale green curtain.  I'm not a fan of pinch pleat as they don't stay uniform.  We have a corner window and I dislike that the curtains don't meet.  The current curtains extend over a meter past the actual window - I'm assuming for two reasons, for when the curtains are open you get the full extent of the window; and to give the impression of a massive window when they are closed.  I don't want them to reach the floor, just delicately hang.

I want to hang the tv on the wall in a similar position to where it is now.  Then I want a neat cabinet - maybe of that frosted green glass to house all the necessary electronic equipment.  The DVD player, xbox, that computer that seems to live there.  Make the cords go through the wall, so its not obtrusive.  Not very sure how I want the furniture to go, might have to get a new set of eyes to look at that.  I will sand our coffee table back to bare wood (its currently very scratched, stained and sadly painted with green paint) and re stain it in a darker colour and then polyurethane it.  Nan's china cabinet will probably go back to its old home between the door and the window.  The car mat can go into the boys room and I'm getting a square of carpet, hopefully a chevron rug.  On the back wall I would like to put some sort of storage as our home lacks storage in a big way.  I would really REALLY like a new light fixture, the one there is so ugly and old fashioned.

Plans for the dining room.  Very excited about this.  We've never had the table in that room before.  Its off the lounge separated by a delightful 1970s archway.  I need to do the window treatments the same, but this room has a big double glass sliding door - that we don't use.

I'll move the buffet to the wall that backs onto the kitchen.  The dining table will go in and my plan is "that is it".  One end of the buffet will be our bar with lots of interesting cocktail making stuff.  Above the buffet will be my photo wall.  I'll fill the entire wall with photos from the buffet up to the ceiling.  I believe it is more than 300 photos.  The thought of it makes me giddy with excitement.  It should look spectacular.  Every photo wall I've seen is amazing.  It does leave a whopping big white wall on the other side.  May have to make some home made art for that.  I really wanted to paint my chairs a bright yellow, ala this.  But Jamie says no :(, so instead I will make some chair pads, so they are more comfortable.

11.30pm

Best picture of Jamie - ever.

 Insomnia, RLS and backpain.



These things suck.

I'm currently in a funk with insomnia, can't fall asleep without drugs, its quite bad. 2-3hrs of dozing if I go drug free and only about 5 if I take a sleeping pill.  So wish it was more, my body wants more but "the insomnia" won't allow it.

RLS comes and goes.  The Sofril (the drug I'm on) is doing a pretty good job.  But I've already taken it and I can feel my legs resisting as I sit or stand.  Grrr.

Backpain.  This one disturbs me.  Its my lower back.  It was sore before we left for holidays and as one of the boys wanted to be carried, it just got worse and worse.  Now its aching all the time.  Positions it hurts to be in... lying down, sitting on a chair, sitting on the floor and kneeling.  It is really only comfortable to be standing.  So night time is doubly bad, insomnia and pain when lying down.  The straight backed wooden chairs are painful, the floppy couches are painful.  So worried I have what mum has.  I'm over being in pain.  My other problem is getting to a physio.  I just can't.  This week I'm working from 9-6 M,T,W,F and have Thursday off... go then you say, its Anzac Day, a public holiday and no private physio works on a public holiday.

Cooking today, wanted to get so much more done, but made fried rice for lunch, chicken drumsticks and mash for dinner.  Granola for my breakfast and a vegie curry type thing for my lunches.  I really wanted to make some cake, but didn't get around to it.

Have to fit in cake making this week as its my sister and her husband's birthdays this week.  They will come over for a little bit on ANZAC day for cake.  Hmmm what to make?

Some good news, Ryan is back to being fully continent.  I still have him in a pullup at night, but its unnecessary.  The flooding from a month ago still has me nervous.  That being said, he had a big drink before bed tonight and its almost midnight and he woke up, went to the loo, had a little cuddle and then said "I want to go back to bed"

Tonight I went in to check that the fellas were covered.  Ryan has his little toes poking out of his dinosaur blanket (he gets too sweaty under the doona, so he has his polar fleece blanket).  Ben's little arm was hanging out between the bars of the cot.  He did so well today.  We took his dummy off him about half an hour after he woke up and didn't get it back until he was in bed this evening.  He didn't ask for it ether, but was very happy to see it.  He went very badly backwards when we were in Thailand, he had it almost constantly and would cry "dummy" when he didn't' have it.  There are a lot of photos with that damned dummy.  Looking for a motorbike soft toy for the "Dummy Fairy" to bring and then we can lose the retched thing.

30 December 2012

Tomorrow is New Years Eve.

I don't care for NYE, never have.  Its not my thing.  I don't drink more than two drinks in any sitting, I hate (HATE) seeing drunk people, I'm not a fan of crowds and to be perfectly honest, fireworks are BORING.  We sort of want to go and stay in town, then the boys can see the fireworks and we don't need to be in a crush.  But I feel this is yet another pipe dream.  One we talk about but never actually do.

Need to relax

I'm not convinced the title will live up to what I'm posting about, mainly because I don't yet know what I'm going to post about.

Everything is getting the better of me these day, my fuse is short and I don't like it.

Some tough times.

I have NOT enjoyed the past 5 weeks.  Not one bit.

Jamie moved away for work.  So essentially I've been a single parent and I hate it.  I hate the lack of company in the evening, I hate not being able to share the load.

Mark started high school and we had some major anxiety to deal with.  Over the past three days, he's been suffering from a spasm-y stomach, the doc thinks it might be "migraine stomach aches".

Ryan has become super clingy, we attempted to put him in the "big boy bed" but after two weeks of hell, I convinced myself that it was ok to put him back in the cot, so I rearranged the boys room for the 5th or 6th time and his sleeping pattern normalised.  Daycare has been a nightmare for Ryan, he doesn't enjoy* being dropped off, he screams and carries on, clings to me like a koala and pretty much needs to be pried away by the staff who always reassure me that the day improves.  Currently Ryan is sick, he has a double ear infection and congested lungs.  He is on penicillin and ventolin (via a spacer & mask)

Ben is still brilliant.  He cut more teeth without a fuss, currently has 4 top teeth and two bottom teeth.  He commando crawls very quickly and is very inquisitive and quite independent.  He's not a great fan of cuddles but will give a kiss if you "pucker" at him.  He is very smiley and loves the remote controls, 5c pieces and food!  Ben also has a bronchospasm and is on ventolin via a spacer & mask.

I didn't cope with agency work.  Being called at 5am to cancel a shift or be given one is just not my cup of tea.  Dropping the boys off at 6am and dashing to my work with Mr Clingy was more than I could stand.  Thankfully I am starting my "real job" on Tuesday at St Vincent's Private Hospital, I'm stupidly excited about it.  I just have a great feeling that its going to be good.  That our work situation will work out.  Jamie will find a contract job at the airport down here that starts at 7 or 8am, so he can do the daycare drop off... men handle it so much better.... or is that Jamie will handle it better than me.

* this is a super understatement.

Crappy Day

I don't want to be negative, but I feel all alone.

Jamie is extremely busy, don't fully agree with what he's doing, but he's entitled to do it.

Mark is so disagreeable and if I should show that I'm annoyed with it, he puts on the whiniest of voices and its drama central. We're butting heads like nothing else. If I say black - he says white. Has to say NO to everything. Whatever I suggest is wrong wrong wrong. I'm very frustrated by this.

Ryan is clingy, doesn't want to be cuddled, but be held whilst I stand up, a sitting down hold does not suffice. He doesn't want to be held by Jamie if he know I'm around. As lovely as it is that he loves me... I'm exhausted.

I have so much housework to do. The state the carpet is in, makes it need a vacuum about twice a week now. It NEVER looks nice, it never will look nice. It needs to be ripped up and replaced.

My bathroom is disintegrating, the bench is falling apart, the sink and bath need either replacing or resurfacing. The shower is in awful condition and it just won't clean.

The floor in the office is falling apart.

If you look at everything from about knee height its ok. Some cornices are still in need of finishing.

I'm really low today.

I think Jamie and I need (really NEED) a date night together, no children. Just need to find a babysitter for that, feel I can't ask people.. but know that I can.

Self esteem at an all time low I think.

Very uncomfortable, my back is aching, my knees and ankles are aching, I'm tired and down in the dumps.....

Will report back tomorrow with a sunnier disposition.