Looking up

I feel things are on the improve.

I've been on anti-depressants for a little over a month now and am feeling so much better.  I got myself a pill case, so as well as taking anti-depressants I'm also taking a multivitamin and Vitamin D every day.  So maybe everything all together is good for me.  I'm getting my RLS under control too.  Exercise is still quite haphazard.  Guilt is a HUGE.  I can't seem to get there.  The thought of finishing work, going to the gym which takes approx one hour inc changing time and then collect the boys, then home and do the washing, get dinner, clean up, bath and bed the boys, encourage Mark to do something.  ETC ETC ETC well there just isn't enough time when I'm not getting home until 6.30pm.  I just can't go early.  That is just does not work for me.

Have set up a new blog for planning for Christmas.  Its here.

Some recent pictures..

The cheesy pair on a sunny day

They are outside on a coffee table with a pillow and blanket!

A meal made by Mark and Isaac (for themselves only)

Ryan as Spiderman

Shooting out his web

Lazy

What a day today is.

Slept poorly overnight, up at 3.30 until 5ish.
Woke at 7.15,
Back to bed at 9 to "read" ended up sleeping.
Woke at 10.30
Slept on the couch from about 12ish to 2ish.

THANK GOODNESS RYAN IS SLEEPING TOO.

I feel like I could just sleep for days and days...
Need to achieve stuff, but just not today.

Going to visit Toni now.

Feeling hot hot hot

I hate summer. I hate heat. I don't like getting too hot in winter either, not a fan of the electric blanket on overnight (Jamie is though).

This last week has been horrendous.
40 - 38 - 39 - 41 - 37 - tomorrow is due to be 42 and Sunday is 36 followed allegedly by a cool change around midday. Those figures might not be 100% correct, but bloody freaking close enough.

I'm 7 months pregnant, I don't do heat ordinarily, but this is just so much worse.

My RLS is shocking, I'm so tired and unable to do anything, because I can't leave the lounge room where the A/C is. Life, quite frankly, sucks at the moment. So I'm watching 18 hours of tv a day.. my brain is turning to mush. My house is going down the toilet.

There are floods, cyclones, ice storms, riots and wars all over the world. But all I care about is that is effing HOT and I want it to rain and loose some of this hotness.

In other news....

• Mark thinks high school has been marvellous so far. He's loving it.
• Had a GTT yesterday, will look up my results tomorrow.
• Jamie's new (second) job with Geeks2U is going really good.
• Ryan is going good, he babbles so much, he has half hour long stories - just wish I knew what it was all about.
• Sheena started special school today, still waiting to hear how it went.
• Mum got the all clear on her blood tests, and is being referred to an orthopaedic dude for more advice about her strange shaped back.
• Toby is starting his toilet training, I didn't hear the tinkle, but he does it.
• Only have 11 shifts of work to go before I start maternity leave and get to meet my new little fella.

Restless Leg Syndrome

This condition appears to be taking over my life again. I've talked about it here and here. So I might be rehashing a bit.

I'm aching from head to toe. I have serious aches happening in my thighs, hips, shins and calves at the moment. Earlier today it was in my biceps and back.
I can't sit still. I'm cramping up (in my legs) almost constantly and to a small extent those dark thoughts are creeping back.

My worry is extreme exhaustion. I have babies to care for, the one growing inside of me I worry for as I'm getting tempted to resort to drugs. I know he's almost fully grown, but doesn't need to stress of drugs to hamper his development. I don't know of a doctor that will take me seriously.

This is NOT pregnancy related RLS, but this is freaking serious RLS that I've had since I was 17 years old.

It started off slowly, a minor ache in my lower leg (we called it the "heebie jeebies"), could be redirected with a hot bath and a panadol.

It steadily became worse over the years, I didn't get it everyday, but was aware of their being something odd about my legs and sleeping.

When we moved to Newcastle it became something that I needed to see a doctor about. From old blog posts, I think it would have been about 2004-2005 that I first went to a doctor about my RLS and how it was affecting my sleep. I was given sleeping tablets and sent to a neurologist Dr Burton. He gave me electrical conductive tests and I can't remember what else. Fast forward a couple more years, have seen a respiratory/sleep disorder specialist, another neurologist (Dr Lechner-Scott), had sleep studies, EEG, blood tests all which report I have idiopathic RLS - which means of unknown origin. Genetics tells me that because my nan and mum both have mild versions, I have it from them! Thanks ladies.

So after years of

• powerful benzodiazepines,
  
• antidepressants,
  
• antianxiety,
  
• Parkinsonian,
  
• epileptic,
  
• long acting morphine,
• neuropathic pain deviators,
  
• vitamins,
  
• minerals,
  
• old wives tales,
  
• copious amounts of bath water,
  
• wine,
  
• panadol, and
  
• food.

I'm at a total loss what to do. I'm completely exhausted, frightened of going to bed (what's the point I'll just lie there awake), feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. Its an illness/condition that no one can see, people don't believe it (sorry Jamie you are in this category). Lots of people think they have it, but have those people kept a small stash of Clonazepam for when it all gets too much and it just might be easier to be dead (don't worry people stash has been disposed of now and I don't have these strong feelings anymore... but they do appear to be creeping back - hence this post).

I don't want advice, I just want to put my feelings out there, maybe use this blog as a pensieve to remove nasty and debilitating thoughts from my head.

Sleep

Wikipedia says:

Sleep is a naturally recurring state of relatively suspended sensory and motor activity, characterized by total or partial unconsciousness and the inactivity of nearly all voluntary muscles.^[1] It is distinguished from quiet wakefulness by a decreased ability to react to stimuli, and it is more easily reversible than hibernation or coma. It is observed in all mammals, all birds, and many reptiles, amphibians, and fish. In humans, other mammals, and a substantial majority of other animals that have been studied (such as some species of fish, birds, ants, and fruit flies), regular sleep is essential for survival.

The purposes and mechanisms of sleep are only partially clear and are the subject of intense research.


I say:
I need more of it. Every single night for a couple of months now, I go to bed just a little bit nervous. Will it happen tonight, or am I desitined to walk the passage saying 'just go to sleep.'

Once again, I'm extremely tired, I can relax in bed by myself, but when my dearest husband arrives to go to sleep that is when I start "playing up", it is not deliberate, but can't get comfy, legs start to twitch, become EXTREMELY restless and then just give up and get up. I think I'll go to the spare room soon. Just finish this post first. I just adore 4am... from then to 8am I tend to sleep the best, unfortunately 5ish is when Jamie;s alarm goes off, he usually has some drama at that time (can't find his wallet/shoes/keys/laptop), so I'm disturbed.

On a lighter note, got a whole heaps done in the reno today, Jamie cut out the surrounds to the island bench, made the tops for the cupboards, fixed a few issues that have been bothering him. A bit issue is the scratches on the bench top, its essentially brand new, well taken care of, but alas there are some pretty obvious scratches.

Shit.. the dogs just howled, its 11:44pm and usually there is no one walking past at this time. Might send Jamie out to investigate. But they have stopped should someone be breaking into our car.

Marko is a happy kid, we informed him of our new plan. He can catch the bus to school next year and then does not have to go to a new school. It will be so much better for him to remain at Mayfield West for year 6. Hopefully he will become house sport captain(makes sense, he is into all sorts of sports, goes to every zone event). He has made a list of promises - what he will do to remain at MWDS.

• Not being so bossy!
• Not arguing when asked to do chores (room/feeding dogs/having showers etc)
• Reading more (plan to read Treasure Island before Christmas)
• Doing all of his homework WELL.
• Trying out for the Aim High program next year
• Doing the selection school academic tests
• Joining clubs and extracurricular activities at school (Star Stuck/Tournament of Minds/choir)
• there were a couple of others, but the list is in his cricket pants and its late and I can't remember.

It made for a nice weekend having him so happy. He keeps coming up to me, saying thank you and giving me a kiss. The kiss part isn't unusual, but thank you is!

Just when you think you've got it figured out.

I thought my legs were good - and they were. Now I'm going down the road of self medicating - doesn't work. Now I'm sleepy and jumpy.

OOSH is complicated. I'll share more later.

The kid is gorgeous. Love him to pieces.

Doctors.

Just a quick note...

Tomorrow I'm seeing my Neurologist again - just to get the results of my sleep study, should be interesting. My RLS is quite good at the moment, I think cos I'm sleeping better due to the wonderful invention of sleeping tablets.

I need to see my GP or a chiro about a new pain in my hip/back. I was in agony tonight with it, felt nauseous and taking panadol every 4 hours (or less) didn't help. How on earth do people live with chronic pain? Do I sound like a nurse? No other theory than the worse case scenario. As flippant as that is... our friend Doug passed away from a secondary in his spine that "just happened one day" My horoscope for this year said I would have problems with my feet. But I remember now, I don't believe in horoscopes.

Thursday I'm off to an ultrasound to see why my "girl bits" aren't giving me a baby! Oops I mean why they are not giving US a baby.

Blood test the following week.